No Soup For You (unless it's gluten free)

Hi! I'm starving. All the time. No I do not have a tape worm or an eating disorder. I just love food. You know I'm sick or super pissed off if I turn down food. My mom says when I was a newborn, I never gained weight from breast milk, maybe I'm still in that stage? Just trying to play catch up for all the food I missed out on as a baby. I did eventually gain weight, obviously, I'm alive. I also eventually began to like real food, but still hate milk. My first solid foods were shrimp, peaches, broccoli and scotch mints. My mother fed me well. I also progressed to ice-cream cones without the ice cream, all of the meats, and fresh garden veggies. I remember eating a lot of Chinese food, German food, and blue freezies.

Back in the good ol' days, I used to have eating contests with literally anyone. I was that kid with two hollow legs and no idea that asking for thirds was uncouth.

Until one day, August 13th 2015, I got some bad news. Nearly an entire year ago, I was diagnosed with Celiac's Disease. This disease means that my body does not digest the protein "gluten" which is naturally found in most grains, such as wheat, barley, and rye. When the gluten is in my system, the little villi in my small intestine that normally grab onto the passing nutrients, get blunted or disappear all together. Thus, I get sick from numerous deficiencies and other fun symptoms occur. These include fatigue, anemia, abdominal pain, diarrhea, weight loss or failure to gain weight, bloating, ulcers, lactose intolerance, hair loss, numerous skin conditions, a ton of fertility and pregnancy issues, anxiety, depression, and so much more! Or you can have no symptoms at all!

Now, with all of that, you would think I would have noticed that I was Celiac. But nope! I had always been adverse to milk and certain dairy products but ate them anyways because I'm German and don't turn down or waste food. I loved bread and all other wheat products. Rye bread and rye whiskey were two of my favourite things. I had weird bumpy bits on my arms sometimes but chalked that up to, I don't know, skin? I would get mouth sores and always just thought the bread was sharp because I normally only ate it when toasted. The second beer passed my lips, I had to fight back the urge to vomit. Everyone always told me I was a light weight or just sucked at drinking. Again, German and Scottish, I'm great at drinking. I had been anemic all my life. I found that out early when I tried to donate blood and they sent me away. I thought it was odd that my hair was thinner and weaker but my mom told me that was just part of aging. And I was always tired and sick. I just figured that was my life.

So how did I get this news? I went in for a normal check up last summer. My regular doctor had moved away, and his super hot replacement is kind of a douche so I didn't want to see him. I went to a family friend, lovely German lady, and she took one look at me and said "You're pale." Now, I glow in the dark. I'm freakishly white and don't tan well. I'm also anemic and have insomnia, so it's not like I was naturally healthy looking to begin with but that had been my life for years.

*Side note: I despise being told I'm pale, or have dark shadows under my eyes, or that I look sick. I know these things. You aren't helping me by telling me that. Stop it.

But this was the first time that anyone had ever decided to look into it. She ordered blood work immediately and then sent me home. During that week, I went camping with some friends. One of whom is just splendid and also Celiac herself. Upon meeting her almost two years ago, I became (hopefully) sensitive to her plight and often tried to do my best to include her dietary needs in all social situations. I packed a shit ton of gluten free treats and lived in the bush for four days with a lot of people who wouldn't believe me that I might be Celiac. I had been living semi gluten free since meeting this lovely lady, and I was entertaining the idea of getting the tests done. But do you know what those tests are?! Scopes in all the orifices. I didn't want scopes in any of my orifices. I also didn't want to have to give up doughnuts, corn dogs, perogies, whiskey, and other delicious non-gluten free foods. So it was the morning of the 13th of August. I was already planning on coming home because it was the anniversary of my grandmother's death. But mom called and told me not to delay at all because as soon as I got home, we were going to the doctor to get my test results. She sounded like I was going to die, so I got home PDQ (pretty damn quick). We get to the clinic and sit down with the doctor, the first thing she says is "How long have you known you were Celiac?' Dumbfounded, but ever the witty genius, I responded "Two seconds." That was it. She gave me a copy of my results so I could learn more. They tested my blood for a lot of things. I also found out that I'll be perpetually anemic, my iron count is 2. Normal for women is 12-15. I have 2. I'll never be allowed to donate blood because it just isn't healthy enough and they can't even take it because my levels would drop so much, they would just have to put it back in me. The protein they found in my blood that said "no more gluten" was so high that there was no need for small bowel biopsies or orifice scopes.

So from that day on, I have completely given up all gluten. As much as possible anyways, did you know that shit is in everything!? They just throw it in there sometimes. Rice Krispies have barley in them. Oats (naturally gluten free) are processed with wheat. It's put in sauces and dressings as a thickener. It's in shampoo, vitamins, toothpaste, lotion, alcohol, and all sorts of food. You can even buy cans of gluten. I shouldn't say I was perfect from that moment on. I did on purpose, while feeling particularly weak, eat one mini doughnut. I was at the fall fair, carnival food is my favourite kind of food. There was so much to eat, and none of it was for me. So I give in. It was beautiful. Due to me only being gluten free for a couple weeks at that point, my body didn't really react. But i know, internally there was damage. It can take at least one year for the flora and villi in the small intestine to heal enough to begin normal digestion again. My friend has been Celiac for eight years now, I've been for one year. People often ask me, "How do you do it?" I tell them, "I have to." Literally, I have to. If I want to eat and and stay alive, I must eat gluten free. At this point, if I were to eat any gluten, I would be very, very sick. I know this by accident. Occasionally, I will do everything right. I ask the servers, I do my research, I am super careful; but sometimes, that isn't enough. At Dancing Queen's bachelorette pub crawl, I was so good about what I ate, and yet that night I was so sick I had to go back to the hotel and missed most of the festivities. I got a migraine, I was dizzy, couldn't think clearly, had horrible stomach pains and wanted to die. It happened to me again on Canada Day. I was miserable and sick all through the parade after breakfast and slept for the entire day. So please don't poison me.

When I lived with my dad during the school year, he was very good about buying my insanely expensive groceries. But he did not really understand the

whole "deal". He hated that I couldn't just eat at A&W anymore, and he hated looking at the ingredients on everything. He would often try to force feed me food that I couldn't eat and then be upset when I rejected them. He once shoved a piece of toast in my mouth. He was trying to be nice and give me breakfast but he had forgotten I can't eat his over-sized bread. Gluten free bread is half the size of a regular loaf; and thus, I have grown accustomed to it's miniature shape. He wasn't awful about the whole experience, in fact, he loved the gluten free food I cooked for him. He just is of the mind set that this is one of those pretend diseases. Just like my granny. Anyways, I survived. Though I was often left out of functions and offers of free food. Not to sound all first world problem here, but It is really upsetting to be left out simply because no one thought there would be anyone with specific dietary needs. Even more upsetting, is when someone has thought about you and made food for you to eat but there are a bunch of other people who eat your food even though they don't need it. It that whole accessibility issue. If you shovel the ramp instead of the stairs first, everyone can get in the building. Just because there is one person who needs the ramp and ten people who need the stairs, shouldn't mean you ignore the one over the many. This analogy equates to stop eating my food.

Ironically, people who do not need to be gluten free have actually helped us who do. Fifty years ago, Celiac people had to limit themselves in an entirely different way than us today. There were little to no gluten free options, what did exist was basically cardboard. Then, only recently, someone decided maybe going gluten free was healthy and fun for the whole family.

*Side note: this is a terrible idea for people to do if they do not need to do so. Food is way more expensive for one. But secondly, there are no added health benefits from making the switch. It may seem like it because you typically have to eat less processed foods, and reduce the amount of funk and fast food. But any gluten free products usually have more fat and sugar in them and different preservatives to keep them as fresh as their gluten-filled counterparts. Furthermore, a sudden shift in diet can be harmful to your body and children can get sick from gluten free food because of it's different make-up. Now I should note, this doesn't include naturally gluten free foods (fruits, vegetables, meats, etc.), this only pertains to food that has been made gluten free.

With this "trendy" diet, came more awareness to the disease (we have our own month, May) and more people have been working on delicious gluten free options. There are even companies now that create gluten free food boxes!! I got my first one in the mail yesterday. It's called "Urthbox" and had six snack inside of it that were completely safe for me to eat. I begrudgingly thank whomever made gluten free popular, but if you could stop now, that would be great. Another downside to it is that everyone thinks I'm faking it or am just "one of those" people. As a result, my needs aren't often taken seriously so I have to stress that I am Celiac. It isn't just a little allergy or an intolerance (actually not a thing), and it is definitely not for funsies. If you are ever curious, or know some who is Celiac, just be good to them, and feed them often, and ask them question to better understand. Don't feel bad if you ever forget, I forget sometimes. I also dream about eating stuff I can't eat, I always then regret it in the dream and wake up crying. I've been told this is normal. I can't speak for all of us, and I certainly am not as experienced as most, but I am starving. So please, love me.

It can be mentioned that I have mild paranoia that anyone who feeds me is actually trying to poison me now. I don't think that is normal, just a general irrational fear. So if I am skeptical of your foods or act weird, that's why.