Where In the World is Lynnsy Sandiego?

Let's preface this with a fact about me. I don't have a passport.

There. Moving on.

I also don't have money. So this post is just one large pipe dream.

It's not that I don't want to have a passport (or money), it's just that every time I try to get one, something happens to the application. Or cruelly enough, I don't have enough money to pay for the passport.

Anyways.

You may also be asking yourself about my archaic title reference. Well. When I first moved to BC for Grade 6, I was only good at two computer games. "Oregon Trail" and "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" The only reason I was remotely good at this game was because I was a weird kid and was really good at knowing random facts. Something I oddly specialised in was flags. The game often needed you to find Carmen using different flags to go to the correct country. I always got it right. I was a really popular 11/12 year old.

Where would I go if I could? Ignoring the cliche, I would travel everywhere. There is not a place that I do not think would be fascinating or life changing in some way.

Some people may think that travelling cross-country would be pointless, what with the entire world now so accessible. I, however, would be thrilled to go to Quebec or Ontario or the Maritimes. I would even be happy with just going to a new town in B.C. I'm easy to please like that; but also, I just love learning new things, seeing new things, and meeting new people.

With that said, here are five places that I would kill to go to.

1. Croatia

What?! Lynnsy! That's so obscure! You crazy!

Hear me out though. You judgmental ninny. Croatia is super cool. It is located between Central Europe, Eastern Europe and the Mediterranean. The country has history dating back to prehistoric times and the dawn of man. Archaeologists have found evidence of Neanderthals in the area. The first real civilization was from early Greecians and Illyrians. It was later a part of the Roman Empire until the first Croats invaded. It was briefly a vassal state of what is now France and then it was it's own kingdom, protected by the Hapsburg monarchy of Austria-Hungary. Then some other stuff happened (Nazis) and now it is where they film all of the King's Landing scenes from Game of Thrones!

Croatia, in terms of climate, is a little on the cool side. But that is fine with me because I'm secretly a ginger vampire. I burn and blister and then settle back into glow-in-the-dark white again. Despite that, they have bottle-nose dolphins in the waters! Super cool!

Another awesome thing about Croatia is that there is a coastal city called Zadar, and it has a unique feature. During WWII, the city was so badly damaged, that whence restored, a lot of the sea front was a monotonous concrete block. To remedy this, an architect transformed the concrete wall on the sea front into an organ. Not like a stomach organ, but the musical kind. The concrete wall was given white marble steps, leading down into the water and hidden within it all are holes and tubes leading into a cavity. When the waves and wind run over the holes and through the tubes, it creates sounds. Thus, the sea and the wind create music for locals and tourists to enjoy.

If I need one more reason to go there, then this is it. I think I might be part Croatian myself. I know that my paternal grandfather's cousins are Croatian, so I think he might be too, and thus me, although very diluted. I'm not positive on this fact because grandpa was a proud German man (read: Nazi) and as such, I would have never been able to know if anything he may have ever told me was true. He certainly never alluded to being anything other than German (Aryan).

2. Texas

Ohhhhh Lynnsy. You have terrible choices in travel locations.

I think Texas would be fascinating. I love Alberta. Texas is American Alberta. That appeals to me immensely. Not the bigotry and all the conservative religiousness. That stuff I'll ignore. But the other stuff is great! Fun Fact! Texas is the second largest state in America. Another Fun Fact! You can fit it in B.C. twice! #texasaintthatbigafterall

Did you know Texas used to be part of Mexico? Maybe you knew that. Did you know It used to be a kingdom? Or that it is the only state to have formerly been a republic? The History channel showcased an amazing series, Texas Rising, detailing the history of Texas during it's revolution. Including the creation of the Texas Rangers and the death of Davey Crockett. He's not just famous because of the coonskin cap.

Side Note: Chuck Norris was a Texas Ranger (on TV) and you can't dis Chuck Norris.

The series starts immediately after the foolhardy Battle of the Alamo #remember, and it details so many aspects of important Mexican, Texian, Texan, American history.

I have no concrete reasons for being excited about Texas, other than my love for Alberta. But I truly I want to eat a massive amount of unhealthy Southern food (I hope they have gluten free options), I want to listen to country music, I want to check out some sick ass rodeos (a term no one has ever said before #CoinedIt), and I wouldn't mind witnessing some questionable classic beauty pageants.

If you know of other cool things to do in Texas, feel free to tell me about them.

Is this girl an alien?!?!?

3. Eastern Canada and Manitoba

I've never been out of the prairie provinces before. I live in the North, but not North enough to be cool, or too North to be cool; depends on who you ask, really.

Considering we have a centralized government and most of our "exciting" history is all over there, that's where I would like to go. Winnipeg just got a brand new Human Rights Museum, Ottawa has the House of Parliament, Toronto has the Royal Ontario Museum and our only MLB team, Go Jays! Quebec is fabulously French, and then there are the Maritime provinces too! I want it all!!

I want to eat real poutine and Montreal smoked meat sandwiches.

I want to be immersed in numerous cultures in a way that you just cannot get here in my dinky little "city". I want to tour the history of our fabulous nation and see if I can play "Nicky-Nicky-Nine-Doors" at Justin Trudeau's House.

I want to go fishing on the coast and see the ancient settlements of Vikings (or the Chinese, depends on which historian you believe). I would love to go to Niagara Falls and Niagara-on-the-Lake and pick apples on the shore of the Great Lakes. The possibilities are endless in that part of the world.

I would have to make a special trip to Red River and see what that Louis Riel guy was making such a fuss about. I want to go to Acadia and sing Evangeline and then cry. I would like to break into a lighthouse and pretend I am the lonely (read: creepy) lighthouse keeper and scare random fishermen. I hate lobster (rat of the sea) but love crab and hot garlic butter, I wonder if I can get some of that over there. In Quebec, je parle le francais comme une vache espangole, but IDGAF, I would speak perfect French and everyone would think I'm from France and hate me. This would certainly not be because I would be speaking the wrong French.

This trip is the most doable of all of the ones on this list; and yet, it is the least likely to happen first. C'est la vie!

4. United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland

Despite the mess of the Brexit, I still want to visit the UK. I am positive that if Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II just met me, even briefly, we would become best friends forever. Maybe she would introduce me to her grandson, Prince Harry, and then he'd fall in love with me and we'd be married. I'd never have worry about ruling, I could just wear designer clothes and help a bunch of charities. That sounds perfect to me.

If that doesn't all happen, I could still have a good time touring England, Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland. Should I piss anyone off in Northern Ireland by listening to too much U2, I could always go to the Republic of Ireland and not wear any orange ever (because it's an awful colour, and not because of the IRA).

My heritage is part Scottish and part English, among many other things, so naturally I want to visit my "homelands" and meet some family that I have over there.

Fun Fact!: I have this weird condition (?) where if I hear an accent, I immediately adopt it. It's not a conscious thing and I'm not mocking anyone, my brain literally overrides itself and decides that this is just the way I'm meant to talk from now on. It's fun at work because my bosses are all from England, so I have and English accent. But I'm worried about when I actually end up over there and have an Irish, English, Welsh, or Scottish accent. Regular tourists may mistake me for a local, but all locals would call me out on it because I do not know anything about the languages themselves; such as idioms, and colloquialisms.

While in the UK, I will go to every single castle, palace, and fortress. I will go to every museum, I will go to every location from my favourite works of literature. I will go on the Eye of London (despite my fear of ferris wheels). I will tour the Stonehenge and see if I can get sucked into the stones, a la Claire Fraser. I will not kiss the Blarney Stone (because ew and ahhhh). I will not try to make a Beefeater break character (because he is just trying to work, you guys). I want to walk through the world of some of the most influential people throughout history ever. I want to rent a British car and go to the Top Secret Top Gear track and race it with the Stig.

In Scotland, I stand upon the heather covered moors and play with the Shetland ponies. Maybe I'll watch the Highlander games, or kill a Highlander.

I'll get to practice my Gaelic and likely make a fool of myself. Then I will go to a football match in every single country and try to not get murdered by the insane fans.

After all of those adventures, and many more, I will then cross the channel to my next location.

5. France!! (duh)

I'm going to have my honeymoon here. I've already decided that. I'm not even remotely engaged to be married. I just like to plan ahead. Should I have the opportunity to go before my honeymoon, I'm going to drink all of the wine and eat all of the cheese. I hope they have gluten free bread, so I can eat all of that too. Then, once sufficiently plump, I'll travel to everywhere. Literally everywhere. I want to go to Nice and Normandy. I could tour the beauty of Burgundy and the lavender fields of Provence, and hope to not get caught when the tide turns at Mont Saint-Michel. I could walk in the footsteps of Eleanor of Aquitaine and Joan of Arc. Obviously, le Louvre and Versailles on the list, as well as, Moulin Rouge and the Paris Opera House.

I'm very much in love with architecture, cuisine, history, and fashion. There is no possible way I could determine one thing that I would absolutely have to do. I want to walk the Seine at midnight and climb the Eiffel Tower. I would quite enjoy touring le Cathedrale de Chartres. Now this place is a little obscure to some folks, it's certainly not as recognizable as our lady Notre Dame (see what I did there?) Now why would I want to go to this church? Well, in grade eight for a social studies project, everyone had to build a scale model of a famous piece of architecture from a select list. The thing that struck me most about le Cathedrale de Chartres, was not the soaring spires or the stained glass windows; but rather, flying buttresses. That's it. I was immature, giggled at "butt"resses and decided this was going to be my project. I build a wonderful model of the cathedral out of cardboard that I had hidden in my room for just in case I wanted to build something (told you it would come important, mom!). I even bought spray paint of the exact colour of grey and it had some stucco in the can to give the building some texture. I drew on individual brick lines and had a lovely patina for the roof. My flying buttresses were the bomb. I was so proud of my project that I took it to school, expecting to get an A and having the best model in the whole class. I thought I was doing good until another kid showed up with his model of Notre Dame, made entirely out of toothpicks. It was breathtaking and I have hated him ever since. I hold very valid grudges for a very long time.

France holds a special place in my DNA because on my mother's side of the family there were some Frenchies. She's not entirely certain on their history, but what I have gleaned from her is that they were the court hosiers. For those of you who think that as is Canadian for fool, you'd be wrong. A hosier is someone who manufactures and sells hosiery- stockings, socks, and tights. This was a big deal. I don't know for how long that they were employed by the royal family, but it had been long enough to amass quite the fortune. Unfortunately, they were sill employed by the crown come the Revolution and they lost their fortune to keep their heads.

I have always felt a great deal of empathy for the aristocrats of the world, it's likely because I was supposed to be one of them. Alas, here I sit day in and day out, telling you lovely people about my average life. Ho hum, oh well.