Scars Unseen: Why I'm Like This (Part 3)

Welcome back! If you have stuck with me this long, then I thank you. If this is your first time passing through, I recommend reading some lighter material before diving into this topic with me.

As always, reader discretion is advised. Trigger warning: discussions of abuse.

One lesser-known type of abuse is Financial Abuse or Economic Abuse. Financial Abuse is associated with both Elder Abuse and Domestic Violence. I will be discussing financial abuse in the context of DV; however, I will summarize what it looks like with Elders for educational purposes.

The elderly are sometimes victims of financial abuse from people within their family or caretakers:

• Money or property is used without their permission or taken from them.

• Their signature is forged for financial transactions.

• Coerced or influenced into signing over deeds, wills, or power of attorney.

• Deceived into believing that money is exchanged for the promise of lifelong care.

Family members engaged in financial abuse of the elderly may include spouses, children, or grandchildren. They may engage in the activity because they feel justified, for instance, they are taking what they might later inherit or have a sense of "entitlement" due to a negative personal relationship with the older person. Or they may take money or property to prevent other family members from getting the money or for fear that their inheritance may be lost due to the cost of treating illnesses. Sometimes, family members take money or property from their elders because of gambling or other financial problems or substance abuse.

In terms of DV, financial abuse involves controlling a victim's ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources. It can often extend as far as preventing victims from working or furthering their education. The victim may also have their own money restricted or stolen by the abuser.

To better understand how I came to be a victim and survivor of financial abuse, one must first learn some background information regarding my relationship with money.

Having read part one of this series, we know I grew up in an abusive household. That home life was also financially insecure. My father spent most of our income on farm equipment we did not need, nor could afford. His drinking and philandering with other women also significantly reduced our financial means. As such, we did not have a lot of disposable income. When mom left my father, she did so with her own money that she had been saving for years. Shortly after we left, my father declared bankruptcy and was forced to auction the farm and sell the house.

At the age of 12, I started my first job, babysitting the children of nurses my mother worked with. I charged $5/hour, a fortune! As a 12-year-old, I logically spent that money on candy and saved the majority of it. At 14, I got my next job at Fas Gas, at 15, I started working at Dairy Queen until I graduated.

All the money I ever made was mine, and yet I was not allowed to spend it. My mother was very strict with my finances, understandably, I was young and naive; however, things were never explained to me, only forbidden. The only sanctioned purchase I made was a laptop to do schoolwork on.

I can recall numerous instances of wanting to buy myself lunch or clothes and my mom not allowing it. I'd come home from some after school excursion with my friends, and once seeing that I had a bag of something, she would confiscate my card or insist that I return what I bought. Sometimes she would send my mail back to the sender (a felony), leading me to get my mail delivered to my work address.

This caused me to become secretive with my shopping. I did not know why I wasn't allowed to spend my own money that I was working multiple hours for and had been saving for years. Not understanding why it wasn't allowed, and being young and rebellious, I continued to shop, mostly buying myself lunch once a week and buying books. I didn't think my shopping was so problematic. This was my money after all. I became creative with how I would explain new books or shoes, saying a friend got it for me or sneaking it past my mom, claiming I had stopped at the library. I figured I was justified in my purchases because at least I wasn't spending my money on booze or drugs. I really just wanted chicken fingers and books.

I paid my way through both university degrees with my savings from summer jobs and student loans; yet both my parents claim that they paid for my education. As a result of those loans, I'm in debt! Nothing to be ashamed of, 73% of Canadians are in debt.

Due to the lack of understanding about personal finances, and years of feeling shame and guilt for every penny spent, my relationship with money is terrible. I don't have much for savings and tend to spend it as soon as I get it because I don't trust myself with it for too long. So knowing this, let's get into my experience with financial abuse.

99% of domestic abuse cases also include financial abuse, and yet it is one of the least understood forms of abuse.

In fact, I did not know it was a thing until a couple of years ago when I was reading a Reddit story and found the term in the comments.

In Spring 2016, I was back in my hometown, living with my mother and working. I had completed my final semester of university in April and was ready to begin a new journey. At the end of May, I matched with a man on Tinder who lived out of town, but we had gone to school together for years. He was in the area for his birthday weekend, and I initiated the conversation that started a relationship that would last for the next four years. We didn't meet until later in July, due to the flooding that split the province in two for several months. Of course, our first meeting required me to drive five-plus hours to an unfamiliar city to see this man who I had not seen since high school. He immediately began controlling the relationship, of course, I was so insecure and inexperienced in relationships, that I didn't know how to react to him.

He didn't take me out for food or feed me all weekend that I stayed with him, he was late for or cancelled every plan we made, and he invited his current fling to come to hang out with us the first night. He had a convincing reason for all of these red flags, citing his excitement to meet me and spend as much time with me as possible, not wanting me out of his sight, wanting everyone to meet me. By the end of the weekend, he had so effectively love bombed me, that I was hooked. He sent me back home with assurances of love and a promise to see each other again as soon as possible.

I did not find it odd that I had paid for everything on the trip down there, I viewed it as an investment in our future. As gifts to my new love.

Every weekend I had available; I drove down to see him. He explained he wasn't able to drive up to visit me, because he had soccer on some weekends, or it was too much for him to drive up after work on Fridays. It never struck me as odd that I worked full 8-hour days on Friday and then drive down to him, but he was unable to. My mom was perturbed by this behaviour, but I didn't want to listen to her voicing the red flags that I was blind to. He had told me he wanted us to move in together the Sunday after our first weekend together. He said he could not imagine us being apart during the winter months, that he loved me and was ready to start our lives together. No one had ever made such grand proclamations to me, I was completely enamoured by this charming, handsome man. I still hadn't clued in that I was spending more money than him, that I was the one putting in all the effort. Any trips we took, he always "forgot" his wallet, or would pay for only himself. He always had big ideas of what we should do, and they always cost me money.

One of my love languages is gifts, and he was exploiting that. I did not receive my first gift from him until my birthday in December. I moved in with him in November and we immediately had to find a new space to rent. I did all of the work for finding a new place, arranging meetings and viewings, doing the paperwork and I did all of the physical moving by myself.

I had quit my job and left my family behind for him, and still didn't realise that it was not okay for me to put in 100% and him 0%. He reasons that he was busy with work. Of course, I had some savings when I moved down to be with him, I had applied to work in the Quesnel school district back in August, and again in September and November. I did not hear back until after my birthday in December. By then, I had burned through my savings and was living off of my credit cards. I had no job, was paying all of my own bills, and had paid rent and security deposits for two places in a month. Then the added costs of the holidays set me back even further. He promised to help me out financially, but then he kept a running tally of every penny he spent on me or loaned me. Then he added interest to it, each time I paid off a portion of what I owed, he would add more to it. I was thankfully hired at the district, but substitute teachers don't get paid over the winter holidays, so I had no income until January. He wanted expensive gifts, and I loved him, so I bought them.

He made me feel like I had to because he would drop hints about the extravagant things, he bought me. Sure enough, he bought me a pearl necklace, bracelet, and earrings, he bought me the designer dress I wore on the runway at our first fashion show together, and he finally agreed to come up north to meet my family. Of course, I drove, and he slept.

We had our first fight on my birthday, he offered to take me shopping for my present, and I picked out a sweater to wear to dinner. My mom had wanted to send me flowers, a tradition she had done for years, but he was furious that she wanted to know where to send the flowers. He viewed it as her trying to control him. He tried to claim them as his idea, and when I wasn't immediately grateful for all he had done for me, he was angry. He started insulting my mother and me. Calling me ungrateful and insinuating that I was only with him for his money. That I was wanting expensive things from him so that he would be broke and then I'd leave him. I was so devastated that this was how he was treating me on my birthday that I started crying, which to him meant I was emotionally manipulating him, making him angrier. I knew that I wasn't after his money, I also knew that I had no money because of many situations that led back to him. I was trapped.

This was only the beginning of a four-year abusive relationship. Every time we fought, he would initiate it with some complaint about me and how I had disappointed him or was manipulating him. We would argue until I was physically exhausted, begging for sleep and agreeing that I was the issue just to get him to stop. Then he would apologize, and love-bomb me after. Financially, he set up a system where all receipts were kept and recorded so we knew who was spending how much money and where it was going. Now, this may seem to make sense, in fact, the idea was sold to me as a means to keep ourselves accountable financially. He explained that all couples who live together and share finances should have this system in place. In our household, I paid for the phone and internet bills, the streaming services, the renters' insurance, my car insurance, my medication, my student loans, I shopped for the groceries, and the rent came out of my account. He paid for his car, his loans, and the hydro bill (coincidentally, I never once saw this bill). I worked full-time as a substitute teacher, bringing home an average of $3000 a month, and he worked full-time as an HR assistant, bringing home $3000 a month. My pay varied due to how many days I could get called in, his also varied because he received safety bonuses and gift cards from his company. Of course, his extra money was only for him to use, and all my funds were to go to the household. At the end of each month, we would tally up the receipts and whoever had spent the least that month would pay the difference on the rent. Every single month, I spent the most, and yet, he always found a way to contest the receipts. Claiming that I was adding old receipts to pad my amount of the spending, or that he must have lost his share of receipts. Sometimes he would throw in arbitrary charges and decide to inflate what he had paid. In the end, I would be the majority of the rent. He was able to do this so efficiently, because of my math anxiety and dyscalculia. He knew I had issues with doing mental math and that I was easily overwhelmed by numbers. He also knew that I did not have a good relationship with money, so he would intentionally upset me when it came time to go over the receipts, causing me to be flustered and anxious to finish the process. I knew he was wrong in these instances, but I couldn't remain calm enough to explain why or how he was wrong, and I was fearful of causing another argument. He'd always tell me I wasn't good at math or with money and that I should trust him.

The system would also constantly change, some months we would write down the amounts and add up to a total, other times we were subtracting off of what each person owed. Then it became that we needed to write down a doubled amount of what we spent on one another. So if I bought him an $11 package of cookies, I had to record it as $22 on the sheet then at the end of the month, we would subtract it and he'd pay me $11. He had a company gas card that he allowed me to use, as he fueled up at work for free. I'd fuel up for $40, he'd write down $80, sometimes I owed him $40 or $80. He argued that because it came off his paycheque, I owed him the amount that I used and then extra to make sure he could buy the same amount for himself. He used an analogy, that confused all but him. Essentially, if he bought be $10 worth of groceries, I would owe him $20; ten to pay back the amount I received and another ten so he could buy his own amount and not be left with zero. He once attempted to explain it to his parents, they were thoroughly confused by his logic but decided to agree with him regardless. It was decided I should follow his plan because he obviously knew what he was talking about. They backed him up on everything, even when they didn't understand him. They agreed with him that we should not set up a joint account for us to pool money into for bills, they agreed that I should give up my car for his use whenever he needed it, and they agreed that I should pay for myself on trips and they would cover his costs.

He paid for our vacation to Mexico because my CC did not have a high enough limit for the entire cost. Of course, he then added on excursions and felt like he was now allowed to control our activities. The financial abuse grew worse after this, I was struggling to pay for everything on top of my debt to him, so he set up weekly check-ins to my bank accounts. Under the guise of making me more financially secure, he now had complete access to my funds and would berate me for every penny spent outside of his permission. He'd ask me where the money went, and why was I making this purchase. Due to his poor memory, he could never remember if he had allowed the purchases, so he assumed I was spending recklessly. If I bought $40 worth of groceries, he'd go over the receipt to make sure it matched what came out of my account and then break down each item, quizzing me on the shorthand codes to see if I knew what each item was and then he wanted me to show him it in the cupboard. I often failed these tests, because I couldn't remember every single thing I bought, or point out all the groceries to him in the house. On occasion, charges would show up on the wrong date on my banking, due to various reasons, he found this suspicious and accused me of hiding something. We would make meticulous grocery lists that I was not to deviate from, even when we forgot to add something to the list, I would then have to request his permission to pick up the item. He would rarely get back to me in time for these decisions, but if I decided without his input, I would hear about it. He allowed me a weekly allowance of $5 to spend on myself, no questions asked, and it was not transferable. Often, questions were asked, and I was made to feel shame for buying a snack or coffee.

Remember, this was under the guise of financial responsibility and to help me save money. Yet, he hated when I shopped around for deals on groceries and went to numerous stores to get the best prices. He found this to be a waste of time, despite him never going shopping with me. He also hated me going shopping alone because he couldn't make sure that I wouldn't secretly buy something with cash. The check-ins were supposed to be for both of us, but I never saw his accounts, although he assured me all I had to do was ask. He would come home with random items all the time that he never was required to account for, claiming that he wasn't in debt so he could be trusted.

He bought three cars in our four years together, writing off two of them. Every time he had an issue, he would take my car, usually without asking. This would leave me needing to find a way to work. He worked out of town and had numerous people he could carpool with, but he "didn't want to be an inconvenience". I, however, worked in and out of town, different hours depending on what school I was going to and whether it was morning, or afternoon that I was needed. I was often left with taking a cab to work and catching a ride with a co-worker home. Cabs cost $20 one way to most of the schools in town, so I had to arrange with dispatch what days I could work and where to keep my costs down. He would never fuel up my car for free, citing "that was abusing his position at work" and he often damaged my vehicle.

The first time he had to purchase a new car, he got suckered into a scam with a used car dealership. They offered him an older model BMW for $1800, provided he could be in Vancouver the next morning. Short on funds, he decided to call in my debt to him that evening. It being January, I hadn't been paid since before Christmas and didn't have $1800 to give him on such short notice. His plan was for me to ask my mother for money. He screamed at me until I called her, in tears, I asked her for $1500 to pay back Michael, as I knew she wouldn't help me if she knew it was so he could buy a car. I was so stressed, I broke out into hives, my nose started to bleed, and I began choking on the blood. He grabbed the phone from me and asked my mom for the money, lying through his teeth, while I vomited in the bathroom and was able to ask her again. Finally, my debt was clear to him, but I had switched it over to my mom. I was told I had overreacted, and he left to buy that car and ended up not being able to drive it for several months because it had bald summer tires and a leak in the trunk that killed the battery. He left it at his parents in the Okanagan until he got it fixed.

I knew this was wrong, but he refused to view it as controlling or manipulative. He argued that if I was to insist it was abuse then we would have to break up because he refused to be in an abusive relationship. I didn't want us to break up, I just wanted the issue to stop. I also couldn't afford for us to break up, I had no money and everything I owned was tied up with him. He controlled my job when he made it difficult for me to travel for work, once having my car for an entire month, he was constantly arguing with me that I was doing too much for my job and shouldn't put so much work in and not spend my own money for materials. He wanted me to make the money of a full-time job but be able to leave town at a moment's notice to do whatever he wanted. He did not want to spend the time that a contract required though, so I could never make him happy. He and his family were constantly asking me when I was going to get a "real job". He did not want me to take any more courses that would improve my pay scale, citing that they would take time away from "us" and were a waste of money. He would insult my weight and figure, telling me that I should do something more physical, but he didn't ever support the activities that I wanted to do. He and his family would comment that they couldn't wait until I provided them with a baby/grandbaby, but then follow it up with how I was to never be a stay-at-home mom. I had to be entirely dedicated to my partner, and also work a full-time job, and manage the household, and be a perfect weight and take pride in my appearance but not spend money on myself.

I started fighting back when he would ask to look at my finances. The thought of handing over my phone every week made me seriously ill with anxiety. Stomach pains, headaches, rashes, and hives were common. I developed panic attacks from him. If I said no when he asked, he might let it slide for a day or two, but he would continue to demand until the screaming would start. His go-to reasoning was "I must have something to hide". Sometimes he would steal my phone. He once took it from me and ran downstairs, chasing after him I grabbed his arm and tripped over something in the dark. He shook me off of him and I fell to the floor. He stood over me and mocked me for crying and falling. He then started destroying property when he was mad at me, causing further charges that I would have to pay for.

He helped me pay off $500 of debt on a CC I had and made me cancel the card. Now I had no means of gaining credit and was further reliant on him financially. He viewed it as a success of his system because he had helped me clear some debt. I could go on and on about how he controlled and abused me. In fact, if you follow this link: https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224 you can read further on Financial Abuse. I was subjected to almost all of those things.

I sought out advice from a Financial Advisor, she set me up long-term savings, a TFSA, and an RRSP and helped me plan for my summers. She also told me to stop having him pay for things for me as she could tell I was clearly being screwed over by his system. When he found out, he made me go back to the bank and end my contributions to those accounts, he also called the female financial advisor a liar and a con artist who was clearly lying to me to screw me out of my money.

Similar things happened each time we would do our taxes. Being common-law, we had to file our taxes together, he was averse to this because he did not want me to be aware of his finances. I saw that we made similar incomes, he only making more than me from having work through the summer months. However, he made a few extra thousand dollars that were not taxable from the multiple bonuses he received throughout the year. That money, fewer dues on his paycheque, plus not spending as much on taxable expenses throughout the year, caused him to owe money every year. My income was heavily taxed, I received no cash bonuses throughout the year, and I kept receipts for my prescriptions, gluten-free food, and all other medical expenses. As such, I received refunds come tax season. Some random man at his job told him that any refunds would go to me to offset my lesser amount because I made less than my partner. Essentially, he thought I had stolen his refunds. Every year, the accountant would have to explain to him that was not the case, but he would always be mad at me for getting money back when he had to pay.

Now why, you may have asked yourself a few times, did you stay with him? Well, because I loved him. It was that simple. Digging further, I didn't feel like I could leave. I didn't want to give up on us, I didn't want to be the one to quit, and I was deluding myself into thinking I was the problem. He had me so sick with anxiety, and so entwined with him and his needs, and no one else could see this side of him. I was so gaslight, and others were so charmed, I was alone. I was not financially in a place that I could afford to leave him either. I once told my mother about our system and her response was that I had agreed to it, so I shouldn't be complaining. He had everyone thinking he was a saint for helping me with my finances, and he was always talking about how poor I was with numbers and money. Even now, people still tell me what a good guy he is, just that he wasn't right for me.

So then, how did I manage to leave? Well, covid helped. I wasn't working, but he was. I lied and said I was going to pick up some sewing jobs on the side to make extra cash and began squirrelling it away. He wanted to buy a house, so I told him I was saving up for it. With not having to pay for student loans, and all the other things that were shut down, I took that extra money I was saving, along with all of the relief benefits I could apply for, I hid that money until I had enough to cover myself in case I needed to leave quickly. I told my brother my plan, and he promised to help me. I then called my mother and explained what I needed. This was set in motion in August, and come October 8th, I had my family in town with a U-Haul to move me out once he was at work on the 9th. It took us three hours to pack everything I owned, and we were gone without him knowing until he got home after his shift. I told no one but a couple of close friends and spoke to my union in advance to know where I was going and get me a good work reference.

Remember all of that anxiety and deceit I had with my mom and shopping as a teen? That carried into this relationship, I knew I needed to purchase the necessities, and multiple counsellors told me it was okay to purchase what I wanted to feel some happiness. Any time I could spend money without him finding out, I did. It was my small way of finding joy and regaining control. When he would find a new shirt or a new book, or even toothpaste, there was a lecture waiting to be had. He once bought me some jeans for my birthday, come the summer I had gained weight and couldn't fit them anymore. He accused me of getting fat so I could buy new clothes and steal his money that way.

So now what? Well, I'm back with my mom and she hates my shopping. So the cycle is starting again, I always have money to pay my bills, but I don't want anyone controlling me, so I am in a weird cycle where I spend it as soon as I get it. Not trusting myself with money, I try to get rid of it as quickly as possible. I am fully aware there is no logic in this, but fear doesn't work that way. I am so insecure and anxious, that I still don't know how to budget and save. Thankfully, my privilege has allowed me to survive this way until I feel comfortable and safe enough to learn. I am not in a position where I need to worry about food, bills, or rent because of the system I have set up with my mother. Had I not my family to rescue me and help me through this phase in life, I could have been facing homelessness and destitution. My mother knows what it is like for me because she went through this, so I am doing okay. My brother knows what it is like to live with my mom and her financial control, so he allows me to have my mail sent to his house. I am doing well, but it will take time. The lasting effects of financial abuse are not well understood, it is considered not as detrimental as physical or sexual abuse, despite the high likelihood of financial abuse happening. Thus little research has been done, and not much is in place to assist victims of financial abuse. I am figuring it out one step at a time, and it is slow, but each month I feel a little more secure.